I chanced by a television program my husband was watching just as Weldon Long was describing his comeback from prison, poverty and addiction in the Upside of Fear. What a story! His deceptively simple, authentically lived, acronymically-clever formula – F.E.A.R. – reminded me of truths we’ve known and taught in leadership programs for years, starting with F: Focus on what you want, not on the fear of what you don’t want. Sometimes called the “Law of Attraction,” his own experience showed him that when he focused on what he wanted to create, life had an uncanny way of supporting him. Conversely, when he focused on his fears - the fear of losing his son, for example – in a perverse way, he brought it about by landing himself in prison.
Likewise, anyone in martial arts or competitive sports has seen this truth operate. When you step into a situation afraid of getting hurt, you get hurt. If you’re afraid of losing, you lose. If you’re afraid you’ll make a mistake, you make a mistake. Any concern for yourself whatsoever automatically misaligns your intention, and weakens your performance. “Don’t let your mind stop,” advised the great sword master, Takuan Soho. For there becomes your sticking point.
This same principle operates in leadership. Not long ago, I worked with a wonderful, high-potential leader who, somehow, had been twice-passed over for a coveted promotion to VP. When he came to the program in which I was his coach, never mind all of his stellar feedback, all he cared about was why wasn’t he getting promoted? He already had a coach who had been giving him pointers to try this or that, but nothing seemed to be working.
“You have to let it go,” I told him. “If you’re stuck in that question, somehow you’re going to get other people stuck in that question. Forget about it. Focus on what you want to create.” Of course it wasn’t quite that simple. He had to dig into why he was holding that promotion question so tightly, and recognize the lurking self doubt (which, subliminally, is what others sense and what fuels their doubt in us, too), as well as the dollop of self worth he thought would come – at last! – with a promotion. But once he saw it, even he had to laugh at the absurdity of it, because he knew this pattern well; it had been with him his entire life. As if one more piece of evidence would finally settle the case of whether he had achieved enough! I could feel him set down this old baggage as the week went on, and leave the program less entangled. I didn’t know what he would do with it or if it would last.
Until last week. He dropped me a note to say, ”I wanted to thank you again for your coaching and insight. I think about them often and they have helped me significantly.” And he was happy to report that he got his promotion after all.
Focusing on what we want to create naturally brings our energy into the world, leading from inside out, as Kevin Cashman would say. Focusing on our self or our fears goes in the opposite direction, outside in, with worry over whether the outside world will accord what we want “in here.” Inside out allows our authentic, creative expression. Outside in, and we’re coping with a crapshoot. Moreover, the mind gets stuck in the exact place where it is least useful – on itself!
Once you’ve got the right focus, for those of you dying to know the rest of the acronym, Weldon’s formula is as good as any:
- E: create an Emotional connection to your focus by writing it down.
- A: Act in accordance with what you want to create.
- R: take Responsibility for your responses to the conditions around you.
Even though I’ve known this stuff for ages, as I imagine you have, too, I’m reminded anew of the power of focus and our non-delegable role in the Law of Attraction. “Where focus goes, energy flows,” Tony Robbins quips. So, what are you focused on now?